What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 12:18
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Did you become a cuckold for your wife?
I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I couldn’t, believe it.
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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So whats the point in blame.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What is the most inappropriate thing your wife has done in front of you?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Who then, do I blame.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why am I so wanting to suck a penis?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What movies and TV shows portray realistic beauty standards?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is soul school!.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
All the time i was locked up.
I will be 64.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What did i know ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My life is so biszare .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He knew the spot.
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was scared of men, in general
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im still living with it.
She wouldn,t have been !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When she asked me how she looked .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She married twice! .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
We all went to grammer schools
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Ive learnt so much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was seconnd youngest,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I write beautiful poetry .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.